Hey Sassters,
It's another middle of the night when thoughts go round and round like a screensaver- busy activity, but no apparent progress- and sleep is not going to happen for several more hours. The topic careening in my brain is friendship. A doctor appointment that begins with, "I'm really sorry to tell you this" and ends with "Again, I'm so, so sorry" changes everything, including friendships.
Fourteen years ago with my first breast cancer I was immediately the fortunate focus of an avalanche of support. I still have every card we received. I was struck with the variety of novel ways friends cared for us. Some came to visit, some made meals for us, some called specifically to support Ivan, some offered transportation to appointments, some gave me little gifts meant to protect me, one helped me choose a wig, one helped me choose a prosthesis, one planted my summer flower garden. Many people prayed, some that barely knew me. There's not a doubt in my mind that their collective strength got me through treatment when I didn't think I could do it another day.
At the same time, though, two friends dropped me like a hot potato. They were both relationships where we knew everything going on in each other's lives. We talked on the phone several times a day and didn't have to say who we were when the other picked up (no caller ID, back in the day). Our kids used our houses as interchangeable home bases. We were in the same activities several times a week and still got together other times because we enjoyed hanging out. I thought we were really close. They vanished in the same week. One mumbled something about not risking getting it from me. I still don't know why for the other. I was hurt and angry and I really missed them. It took a long time to build those friendships and it took a long time to replace them.
This is why I say, "You find out who your real friends are." I don't miss them any more, haven't for a long time. I wish them well. I still wonder, though, what happened? Was it that I complained too much? Did they just not know what to say or do? Well, I hold strong opinions on both these "reasons" to cancel a friendship.
Reason One- She complains! Unless you've been totally self-sustained living off the grid in Montana for years, you know that having a positive attitude has been well researched and documented to influence outcomes positively. Some people, however, interpret that to mean if a complaint is expressed, the patient doesn't have the magic Positive Attitude. I would venture to guess that those same healthy people, though, issue at least one complaint a day in their own lives. Some of them feel their participation in recognizing a complaint undermines or destroys the Positive Attitude. Some of them even feel called upon to scold the patient for expressing a Negative Comment. I find this misinformed at best, and unfair.
Let's try a simple example. You have a friend getting married. You express your delight and ask about the wedding plans. You put a lot of thought into selecting a wonderful gift. You shop for it, several places. You shop for the perfect card and write a personal note in it. You wrap it beautifully. You present it with your best wishes and affection. You don't get a thank you note, not for a long time. You measure the time you invested in the gift compared to the time it would take to write a short acknowledgement, and note a discrepancy there.
My current treatment is one of the "easiest" ones. Some of the physical side effects are thinning hair, brittle fingernails, nosebleeds, diarrhea, fatigue, high blood pressure, not merely hot flashes but Nuclear Blast Flashes, headaches, port pain and bone pain. It takes at least 23 productive days out of my year. I don't mention them to everybody and not as often as they are on my mind. I experience most of them every day. Sometimes I need to complain. Measure the cumulative impact of the side effects against the time it takes a friend to cowboy up and acknowledge a complaint and I think you'll see how much it means.
Reason Two- I Don't Know What to Say or Do! I'm sure it would not surprise you that sometimes people do very infrequently say or do the wrong thing. Gasp. So what. It is really OK and not a big deal. We understand that it's a challenge and sometimes well meaning people just goof up. Trust me when I say we'd rather you do or say the wrong thing than do or say nothing (see above, friends who vanished). It doesn't have to be an award winning presentation or a dramatic gift. It can be as small as one sentence and mean the world.
With Breast Cancer Part Deux I've been so grateful for the variety and volume and depth of love and support we've received in the past six months. I'm often asked what someone can do for a friend in a similar situation. So here is a partial list of possibilities from the creative friends and family we cherish. Bear in mind it's an incomplete list, just a few of the things I had the presence of mind to record.
You might think, "Oh, flowers. Everyone does flowers. I need something Grand!" You would be wrong. Flowers are good, always. Brenda brought me a handful of pink roses that I will never forget. Our coworkers sent a beautiful bouquet with candy, balloons and a great card- buoyant, literally! You might think, "Oh, cards. I already sent a card. I can't do that again." Please note Exhibit A, the cards Suzy sends, too numerous to count. Many of them are handmade. All of them are funny and caring and sweet and sound just like her voice in my ear. I don't understand how cards arrive on the day they are most needed, but it happens, regularly. Chris brought us barbecue from a restaurant one night. One of Bonnie's special gifts was a huge bowl of fresh fruit and dips that got us through several days. E-mails are amazing. We share them like Life Savers. One day we got over 50 messages, all encouraging but each one unique. And voicemails- one favorite was from Bonnie. She said, "Hi, no need to call me back. Just wanted to wish you a beautiful day." I have a similar one from Nicolai saved on my phone at work. It has brightened a LOT of days.
But there are also the things people do that no one else would think of or be able to do. Kylia and Gene found the World's Greatest Pajamas and Slippers that are such a luxury to put on! Kim and Grant sent a soft, sunny yellow tank top on the same ultra comfy level. Mary Anne assembled a care package with a selection of teas, a wonderful book, soft socks and a note pad. Bonnie loaned me a grocery sack of DVDs and games to pass the time in the aforementioned socks, tank, pjs and slippers. Cindy and Bill called every week to check on all of us and not once, but twice sent us home with Cindy's amazing apple cinnamon cake. Connie got me warm, comfy AND presentable fleece pants and a jacket to wear to treatment days. She also collected lavender scented bath and body products to help me sleep at night. Jean handmade an exquisite journal so beautiful I hesitate to put my scraggly handwriting in it. Jennifer brought Henry for great visits. Maria created a mixed media photo album so artistic I'm awed each time I open it, and beautiful earrings from computer parts. Julie gave me a garden calendar in the depth of winter. Mary sensed the need and delivered hugs with impeccable timing, and repeats when necessary. Frank and Shela enlisted Brian, Tony and Paul to get a spa gift certificate for me on my Lowest Day at Work in 35 Years. Nicolai and Eva made us many beautiful, memorable and nutritious meals. Matt and Kylia have been there, every day in every way, for things we requested and things we didn't. Gene goes with me to every appointment, is my steadfast partner and support and made me a stuffed bunny with healing powers at the Build a Bear workshop.
We asked for my diagnosis to be announced in our church in Kansas City as one of the "concerns and celebrations" one Sunday. We haven't been members for a long time and they don't see us when we're in Iowa, so I didn't expect anything to come of it except they would understand why when I suddenly appeared there with no hair. I was surprised to receive a card from a woman I'd never met, wishing me well and inviting me to lunch. I thought it was so thoughtful, but I was in early treatment and didn't follow up with her. She sent another lovely card. We had lunch and found out we have a lot in common. We have lunch regularly now and I really enjoy seeing her. It's a remarkable thing to nurture and sustain an existing friendship through cancer, and I am grateful for our wonderful friends every day. But I think it also takes special courage to become a new friend to someone with cancer. So here's to Renee, one powerful antidote to Reason One and Reason Two. One more ally in this great adventure.
The sun is rising now and the birds are singing. I'm going to sit in the hot tub, look at the lake and marvel at the morning. I'm not going to kid you, mornings are excellent when you live in the country. I'll go back to bed if I feel like it, or drink coffee in my robe and think fondly of all of you. It's great to know you have my back. It's going to be a beautiful day.
Love, Center Sasster
It's another middle of the night when thoughts go round and round like a screensaver- busy activity, but no apparent progress- and sleep is not going to happen for several more hours. The topic careening in my brain is friendship. A doctor appointment that begins with, "I'm really sorry to tell you this" and ends with "Again, I'm so, so sorry" changes everything, including friendships.
Fourteen years ago with my first breast cancer I was immediately the fortunate focus of an avalanche of support. I still have every card we received. I was struck with the variety of novel ways friends cared for us. Some came to visit, some made meals for us, some called specifically to support Ivan, some offered transportation to appointments, some gave me little gifts meant to protect me, one helped me choose a wig, one helped me choose a prosthesis, one planted my summer flower garden. Many people prayed, some that barely knew me. There's not a doubt in my mind that their collective strength got me through treatment when I didn't think I could do it another day.
At the same time, though, two friends dropped me like a hot potato. They were both relationships where we knew everything going on in each other's lives. We talked on the phone several times a day and didn't have to say who we were when the other picked up (no caller ID, back in the day). Our kids used our houses as interchangeable home bases. We were in the same activities several times a week and still got together other times because we enjoyed hanging out. I thought we were really close. They vanished in the same week. One mumbled something about not risking getting it from me. I still don't know why for the other. I was hurt and angry and I really missed them. It took a long time to build those friendships and it took a long time to replace them.
This is why I say, "You find out who your real friends are." I don't miss them any more, haven't for a long time. I wish them well. I still wonder, though, what happened? Was it that I complained too much? Did they just not know what to say or do? Well, I hold strong opinions on both these "reasons" to cancel a friendship.
Reason One- She complains! Unless you've been totally self-sustained living off the grid in Montana for years, you know that having a positive attitude has been well researched and documented to influence outcomes positively. Some people, however, interpret that to mean if a complaint is expressed, the patient doesn't have the magic Positive Attitude. I would venture to guess that those same healthy people, though, issue at least one complaint a day in their own lives. Some of them feel their participation in recognizing a complaint undermines or destroys the Positive Attitude. Some of them even feel called upon to scold the patient for expressing a Negative Comment. I find this misinformed at best, and unfair.
Let's try a simple example. You have a friend getting married. You express your delight and ask about the wedding plans. You put a lot of thought into selecting a wonderful gift. You shop for it, several places. You shop for the perfect card and write a personal note in it. You wrap it beautifully. You present it with your best wishes and affection. You don't get a thank you note, not for a long time. You measure the time you invested in the gift compared to the time it would take to write a short acknowledgement, and note a discrepancy there.
My current treatment is one of the "easiest" ones. Some of the physical side effects are thinning hair, brittle fingernails, nosebleeds, diarrhea, fatigue, high blood pressure, not merely hot flashes but Nuclear Blast Flashes, headaches, port pain and bone pain. It takes at least 23 productive days out of my year. I don't mention them to everybody and not as often as they are on my mind. I experience most of them every day. Sometimes I need to complain. Measure the cumulative impact of the side effects against the time it takes a friend to cowboy up and acknowledge a complaint and I think you'll see how much it means.
Reason Two- I Don't Know What to Say or Do! I'm sure it would not surprise you that sometimes people do very infrequently say or do the wrong thing. Gasp. So what. It is really OK and not a big deal. We understand that it's a challenge and sometimes well meaning people just goof up. Trust me when I say we'd rather you do or say the wrong thing than do or say nothing (see above, friends who vanished). It doesn't have to be an award winning presentation or a dramatic gift. It can be as small as one sentence and mean the world.
With Breast Cancer Part Deux I've been so grateful for the variety and volume and depth of love and support we've received in the past six months. I'm often asked what someone can do for a friend in a similar situation. So here is a partial list of possibilities from the creative friends and family we cherish. Bear in mind it's an incomplete list, just a few of the things I had the presence of mind to record.
You might think, "Oh, flowers. Everyone does flowers. I need something Grand!" You would be wrong. Flowers are good, always. Brenda brought me a handful of pink roses that I will never forget. Our coworkers sent a beautiful bouquet with candy, balloons and a great card- buoyant, literally! You might think, "Oh, cards. I already sent a card. I can't do that again." Please note Exhibit A, the cards Suzy sends, too numerous to count. Many of them are handmade. All of them are funny and caring and sweet and sound just like her voice in my ear. I don't understand how cards arrive on the day they are most needed, but it happens, regularly. Chris brought us barbecue from a restaurant one night. One of Bonnie's special gifts was a huge bowl of fresh fruit and dips that got us through several days. E-mails are amazing. We share them like Life Savers. One day we got over 50 messages, all encouraging but each one unique. And voicemails- one favorite was from Bonnie. She said, "Hi, no need to call me back. Just wanted to wish you a beautiful day." I have a similar one from Nicolai saved on my phone at work. It has brightened a LOT of days.
But there are also the things people do that no one else would think of or be able to do. Kylia and Gene found the World's Greatest Pajamas and Slippers that are such a luxury to put on! Kim and Grant sent a soft, sunny yellow tank top on the same ultra comfy level. Mary Anne assembled a care package with a selection of teas, a wonderful book, soft socks and a note pad. Bonnie loaned me a grocery sack of DVDs and games to pass the time in the aforementioned socks, tank, pjs and slippers. Cindy and Bill called every week to check on all of us and not once, but twice sent us home with Cindy's amazing apple cinnamon cake. Connie got me warm, comfy AND presentable fleece pants and a jacket to wear to treatment days. She also collected lavender scented bath and body products to help me sleep at night. Jean handmade an exquisite journal so beautiful I hesitate to put my scraggly handwriting in it. Jennifer brought Henry for great visits. Maria created a mixed media photo album so artistic I'm awed each time I open it, and beautiful earrings from computer parts. Julie gave me a garden calendar in the depth of winter. Mary sensed the need and delivered hugs with impeccable timing, and repeats when necessary. Frank and Shela enlisted Brian, Tony and Paul to get a spa gift certificate for me on my Lowest Day at Work in 35 Years. Nicolai and Eva made us many beautiful, memorable and nutritious meals. Matt and Kylia have been there, every day in every way, for things we requested and things we didn't. Gene goes with me to every appointment, is my steadfast partner and support and made me a stuffed bunny with healing powers at the Build a Bear workshop.
We asked for my diagnosis to be announced in our church in Kansas City as one of the "concerns and celebrations" one Sunday. We haven't been members for a long time and they don't see us when we're in Iowa, so I didn't expect anything to come of it except they would understand why when I suddenly appeared there with no hair. I was surprised to receive a card from a woman I'd never met, wishing me well and inviting me to lunch. I thought it was so thoughtful, but I was in early treatment and didn't follow up with her. She sent another lovely card. We had lunch and found out we have a lot in common. We have lunch regularly now and I really enjoy seeing her. It's a remarkable thing to nurture and sustain an existing friendship through cancer, and I am grateful for our wonderful friends every day. But I think it also takes special courage to become a new friend to someone with cancer. So here's to Renee, one powerful antidote to Reason One and Reason Two. One more ally in this great adventure.
The sun is rising now and the birds are singing. I'm going to sit in the hot tub, look at the lake and marvel at the morning. I'm not going to kid you, mornings are excellent when you live in the country. I'll go back to bed if I feel like it, or drink coffee in my robe and think fondly of all of you. It's great to know you have my back. It's going to be a beautiful day.
Love, Center Sasster
3 comments:
Thanks for saying all of that. I am your sister first, but also your friend. You are indeed blessed with a wealth of friends, but we are more blessed to have you. I still think you should write a book--you have such a talent for writing.
It looks like you had an amazing trip and I hope to hear more about it soon! I second the book idea, you have a definite skill for helping us feel like we are part of the experience.
Kim
Very well put Center Sasster.
Friends FTW!
Post a Comment